Work? Relationships? Oi.

So, after working 6 months at BFG as a contractor, they decided not to hire me full time. They did hire everyone else I was initially hired with, as well as those that came after me. (It's a pseudo class system, where contractors come on in groups, usually in 2 month periods). So all my peers now have benefits, bus passes, and bonuses. (Alliteration ftw).

The twist? I wasn't fired. So here I am, the only remaining contractor from my class of 10 people. And then an additional 10 people hired from the class after me. Now, that sounds like a small group, but when you see that all of this section is 80 people, thats around 25% of the work force. Anyhoo, its been difficult this past 2 weeks. The announcement was even more difficult when hearing in 1 on 1 meetings with my manager that I was "very likely" to be hired on.

Crushed is a good term. Thinking that I am doing a quality job, only to find that I am to be singled out on not being good enough. I know the two bosses that made the choice, and I will never forgive them. Not on a vendetta level of things, but its absurd to not even let me know AHEAD of time, that I won't be hired on. So then I don't feel even worse when everyone around me gets to go into the office and hear about getting perks.

It's like I'm loosing my grip. However, apparently I never had a grip, so I guess there is solace in that.

As far as relationships, it's been a new issue with the text format of communication. I was raised with IMing folks. She was not. And then, to add to the difficulty of conveying meaning, I am having a stressful time at work. Its a perfect storm of fucking up relationships.

I care about this job, in that it will be a reference for future employment. But as far as anything else, they can jump in front of a train. Never get a job where you have to deal with customers. Or higher-ups. So basically get born into a rich family.

Back

Sort of, in a sense. Really, I am going to continue posting as if this were some perverse mutation of a journal, attempting to make sense of the things around me.

Moving on. There is nothing more destructive to someone's confidence than making them look stupid. And worse than that, is making them look stupid in front of the customer. I mean, I know that I am no genius when it comes to computers, but that is part of the illusion of the damn job. I need to appear to know what is going on to insure that they feel comfortable doing changes to their precious computer to get shit working. Sure, I might not have that customer again, but know I look dumb in their eyes. All we have are the lies we tell ourselves, and now that particular lie of me being good at my job has dissolved.

Worse yet is you are my quasi-friend, so I want to say something, but I don't know how to say it. You've destroyed a piece of my self confidence, and that really blows. That stuff isn't easy to come by.