Don't care. Not tonight.

I just need to vent. If you aren't in the mood, that's fine. Just move along.

Preface: Decided (unwisely so) to view ex girlfriend's profile page, specifically pictures. And such. Whatever. If Facebook isn't for stalking, then I don't know what its for. Anyhoo. Here I am looking at 650 picture of her life, 1/4 were close to my existence with her.

*So, looking at these flashes of time held in freeze forever-more, I see why we didn't work. I know hwy we aren't together. I see the difference in our personalities through our Facebooks (as superficial as it seems). I see her smiling, constantly posing. In mine, I see my usual forced smile. In candid situations turned photo opp. Sure, her's might be forced. But she puts up 6x as many pictures as I do. I exist on the frige of the society. She flourishes in the center. This is seen in the pictures. I'm sure it also had to do with attractiveness in reality and photo, but I see that some people avoid the camera, where others are pulled to it, and others it to them. She is an 'it to them'. Cameras flock to her. She is photogenic in every sense of the word. I've never seen her unattractive. Whatever that means. She exists in front of the camera. I exist watching the group. I've steer clear of groups. Strangers. Cameras. If I know I'm being photographed, I feel I won't look sincere in the picture. I'm on the outside looking in. She's on the inside posing for the picture. Part of me wishes we were more similar, because we once felt such a connection.

I know there is meaning behind these picture. Somewhere, hidden in the deep of the artificial poses and funny faces.
She has a new beau. He seems dorky and intelligent, to be stereotypical. Probably not what she initially saw in me. She did see it, but not when we met. She saw me as the 'rebel'. How I got that reputation, I wish I knew. Then I could have maintained it.
She always had this thing about race. She was ethnic. I was not. She had to preserve her culture. I had no culture to preserve. I needed to better myself to become a worldly person, and learn from her ways. We were opposite. And she didn't let me forget that. I over-exaggerate, but probably not by that much.

I look back and wonder what might have happened. I never meant to break up with her. It was a power play. I wanted to feel like I meant something to her. Like I was worth her admiration. But I wasn't. I gambled one time too many. And she was gone. Almost on to the next guy. At the young age of 22-ish, I see this as without a doubt, the most difficult time of my life. Love does that to you. I learned a lot about myself dealing with her, and the lack of her.

I do miss her. I miss the similarities that brought that initial connection. I miss having her, the way she doted over me, and looked over me. But as I think of these romanticized things, I realize that she was always trying merely to please me, and wasn't doing for any other reason, and that she wanted me to be different form who I (think I) am. It a difficult situation. I wonder if she was ever as haunted by the relationship as I am. I truly doubt it. She was never one to allow anything thing to mark her. But that fact never stops me from thinking. The 'what-ifs' really get to me some nights.

There is always more, but I just can't bring myself to it right now.



*Please note, all comments come in retrospect, and have no bearing on the time when they were experienced.