Work? Relationships? Oi.

So, after working 6 months at BFG as a contractor, they decided not to hire me full time. They did hire everyone else I was initially hired with, as well as those that came after me. (It's a pseudo class system, where contractors come on in groups, usually in 2 month periods). So all my peers now have benefits, bus passes, and bonuses. (Alliteration ftw).

The twist? I wasn't fired. So here I am, the only remaining contractor from my class of 10 people. And then an additional 10 people hired from the class after me. Now, that sounds like a small group, but when you see that all of this section is 80 people, thats around 25% of the work force. Anyhoo, its been difficult this past 2 weeks. The announcement was even more difficult when hearing in 1 on 1 meetings with my manager that I was "very likely" to be hired on.

Crushed is a good term. Thinking that I am doing a quality job, only to find that I am to be singled out on not being good enough. I know the two bosses that made the choice, and I will never forgive them. Not on a vendetta level of things, but its absurd to not even let me know AHEAD of time, that I won't be hired on. So then I don't feel even worse when everyone around me gets to go into the office and hear about getting perks.

It's like I'm loosing my grip. However, apparently I never had a grip, so I guess there is solace in that.

As far as relationships, it's been a new issue with the text format of communication. I was raised with IMing folks. She was not. And then, to add to the difficulty of conveying meaning, I am having a stressful time at work. Its a perfect storm of fucking up relationships.

I care about this job, in that it will be a reference for future employment. But as far as anything else, they can jump in front of a train. Never get a job where you have to deal with customers. Or higher-ups. So basically get born into a rich family.

Back

Sort of, in a sense. Really, I am going to continue posting as if this were some perverse mutation of a journal, attempting to make sense of the things around me.

Moving on. There is nothing more destructive to someone's confidence than making them look stupid. And worse than that, is making them look stupid in front of the customer. I mean, I know that I am no genius when it comes to computers, but that is part of the illusion of the damn job. I need to appear to know what is going on to insure that they feel comfortable doing changes to their precious computer to get shit working. Sure, I might not have that customer again, but know I look dumb in their eyes. All we have are the lies we tell ourselves, and now that particular lie of me being good at my job has dissolved.

Worse yet is you are my quasi-friend, so I want to say something, but I don't know how to say it. You've destroyed a piece of my self confidence, and that really blows. That stuff isn't easy to come by.

Don't care. Not tonight.

I just need to vent. If you aren't in the mood, that's fine. Just move along.

Preface: Decided (unwisely so) to view ex girlfriend's profile page, specifically pictures. And such. Whatever. If Facebook isn't for stalking, then I don't know what its for. Anyhoo. Here I am looking at 650 picture of her life, 1/4 were close to my existence with her.

*So, looking at these flashes of time held in freeze forever-more, I see why we didn't work. I know hwy we aren't together. I see the difference in our personalities through our Facebooks (as superficial as it seems). I see her smiling, constantly posing. In mine, I see my usual forced smile. In candid situations turned photo opp. Sure, her's might be forced. But she puts up 6x as many pictures as I do. I exist on the frige of the society. She flourishes in the center. This is seen in the pictures. I'm sure it also had to do with attractiveness in reality and photo, but I see that some people avoid the camera, where others are pulled to it, and others it to them. She is an 'it to them'. Cameras flock to her. She is photogenic in every sense of the word. I've never seen her unattractive. Whatever that means. She exists in front of the camera. I exist watching the group. I've steer clear of groups. Strangers. Cameras. If I know I'm being photographed, I feel I won't look sincere in the picture. I'm on the outside looking in. She's on the inside posing for the picture. Part of me wishes we were more similar, because we once felt such a connection.

I know there is meaning behind these picture. Somewhere, hidden in the deep of the artificial poses and funny faces.
She has a new beau. He seems dorky and intelligent, to be stereotypical. Probably not what she initially saw in me. She did see it, but not when we met. She saw me as the 'rebel'. How I got that reputation, I wish I knew. Then I could have maintained it.
She always had this thing about race. She was ethnic. I was not. She had to preserve her culture. I had no culture to preserve. I needed to better myself to become a worldly person, and learn from her ways. We were opposite. And she didn't let me forget that. I over-exaggerate, but probably not by that much.

I look back and wonder what might have happened. I never meant to break up with her. It was a power play. I wanted to feel like I meant something to her. Like I was worth her admiration. But I wasn't. I gambled one time too many. And she was gone. Almost on to the next guy. At the young age of 22-ish, I see this as without a doubt, the most difficult time of my life. Love does that to you. I learned a lot about myself dealing with her, and the lack of her.

I do miss her. I miss the similarities that brought that initial connection. I miss having her, the way she doted over me, and looked over me. But as I think of these romanticized things, I realize that she was always trying merely to please me, and wasn't doing for any other reason, and that she wanted me to be different form who I (think I) am. It a difficult situation. I wonder if she was ever as haunted by the relationship as I am. I truly doubt it. She was never one to allow anything thing to mark her. But that fact never stops me from thinking. The 'what-ifs' really get to me some nights.

There is always more, but I just can't bring myself to it right now.



*Please note, all comments come in retrospect, and have no bearing on the time when they were experienced.

Entropy

I sit here in an apartment that within a month, I will likely never sit in again. I look at a view that has remain unchanged for that stretch. The skyline has become a friendly reminder. A reminder of the possibilities of moving to the bigger and better. Even the view within the apartment has remained similar. The same couches, TV, and window coverings. The same couches I have sat on, sparingly, for the last....2 years? Roughly. The same TV I have played many an hour of Xbox on. The windows that prevent video games on a sunny day between the hours of 5 and 7 pm. Excellent memories.
I've always viewed this place as a refuge in the storm, and it has been, quite literally once or twice. It's my vacation home, filled with good conversation and friends.
When I first met the place, I was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt, and sort of came up on a whim. I was sitting in B'lingham lonely, and decided to text some fun people I had met during Sasquatch. And then next thing I am walking up hill in the summer heat, into the apartment. Its a house to me, all technicalities aside. A clean white. The dinning chairs and table. The couch. The walls, all a pretty reflective white. I love this place, in a goal-oriented sense. I love the people in it. They have impacted me in a way I couldn't have imagined.
I will miss this place.

Francis and the Lights

I only have one song of theirs, 'Darling, it's Alright'. It has a distinct 80's sound reminiscent of Huey Lewis and the News. I dig. I have an evening to myself. Not that this is particularly special, but still, it's nice. Both my roommates have gone to bed early, and I have the living room to myself. Which will be fine until it gets dark outside and I start to feel lonely. But that is mostly the lack of sleep/The Fear talking.
It's weird to think about a day that you have known was coming, but never quite had the view point of it. Until now, now that you're close enough. You look forward to it. You are afraid of it. You want it to happen, you want it in your past, you want it perpetually in your future.
Those moments.
What to do?
Well, the only thing you can do. Raise your head up to meet the moment head-on. Stare into the future, the abyss, until it stares back. Then make the fucker blink.

The Paper in Question

For once I wish it was really nasty outside so it would be a more antiquate mood setting for writing a 15 page paper of what-have-you. Instead I will listen to N.I.N. and pretend with the shades drawn. I had this crazy epiphany the other day. There I was looking out the window while playing video games, and I see this Uhaul trailer. Then I realized that I too will be leaving soon. I mean, not leaving. Just relocating. But this time, I won't have a school to tie me down to an area. And as freeing as that sounds, it is equally ominous. Oh me and my fear of change, and appeal for the dramatic.
Anyways, finished Red Dead Redemption. Twas awesome. Finished all 4 seasons of Dexter. Twas awesome. Almost done with spring quarter. Twill be awesome. And Drunk History is amazing.

Late Night

Its raining outside. Not particularly hard, like it was earlier, but enough to hear it with the window open. I really do like the rain, despite complaining when my shoes get all wet. That's partially why I moved over to the west side of the state. The other being that my girlfriend at the time was over here, and really I wanted to go to Dub Dub U. Or atleast it was better than EWU or WSU in my mind.
That girlfriend and I were actually 'over' when I finally got an apartment in Bellingham. I just hadn't realized it yet. Difficult times ensued, making me question my presence on the wetter half of the state (dirrrty). I had a heart to heart with my dad that I really don't remember the specifics, but it made me feel better. And now here I am over 2 years later, able to talk about the experience in some clarity. Reviewing one's past is always an interesting voyage.
I've been listening to the soundtrack of the ShowTime series Dexter and it sets my late night/all night mood quite well. Daniel Licht does a great job on the mood setting.
While on the topic of Dexter I would like to mention what an engaging show it is. I've really been sucked into Dexter's world. I imagine this is how many people feel with their TV shows, but having watched almost all 4 seasons of the show in rapid succession, I seem to have that feeling on crack.

I'm pulling an all-nighter this evening because I can. I've been feeling better these past few hours, so I've decided to indulge in a binge of fun and work. And plus it's nice to sit in a house you know has people sleeping in it. I don't know why. I think Benjamin Button mentions something in his Curious Case about it.
Here is it: "Some nights, I'd have to sleep alone. I didn't mind, I would listen to the house breathin'. All those people sleepin'. I felt... safe."
Well put, good sir. Well put.